How to Handle Conflict Resolution

We continue to unpack conflict resolution. (Just as a reminder, we are using the terms conflict management and conflict resolution interchangeably.) Conflict resolution is a topic usually reserved for the workplace, but the principles and best practices can be used in conflicts that we experience outside of work.

Conflict management is our ‘Health’ focus for this month. We learnt last week that once there are interactions conflicts are inevitable because there are opposing views and differences that will lead to disagreements.

As previously noted, all conflicts can affect our physical, psychological, emotional, social, and spiritual well-being. Therefore we must properly manage the conflict in order to avoid negative effects.

So 40-Forwarders, we are on the side of conflict resolution in order to prevent violence and/or other fall-outs in conflicts. We are clear on the outcome, we would like a WIN-WIN, so be sure to use the right strategies and keep the goals of conflict resolution at the forefront of your minds.

• Come to an agreement that benefits all parties concerned.
• Find a solution as quickly as possible.
• Healing and improving relationships.

Types of Conflict

Half the battle is understanding what we are dealing with, therefore we need to understand the various types of conflict.

1. Fact (Simple) Conflict

This type of conflict usually surrounds specific topics or subjects. Don’t let the name fool you, the disagreements that develop around these topics can cause “teet and tongue fi meet”.

Sometimes all we need is a “fact check” to settle an argument/disagreement. For instance, men arguing over sports history; can somebody (anybody) please ask Siri or Alexa for the answer before these men come to blows?! Problem solved.

Another example of simple conflict is, in the United States the stats show that 90% of all divorces are based on simple disagreements about finances, sex, how to raise a child, in-laws not getting along, and religion.

2. Value Conflict

Value conflicts tend to arise when people have different belief systems. This belief system is often based on upbringing, customs, values, and cultural norms. So, a disagreement may develop over a simple decision as to what to eat for dinner based on an individual’s religious persuasion.

Another example is differences in political views. Families are sometimes split based on political ideals and/or party lines. Border crossings between communities are not allowed, especially during election time as this can lead to tensions and eventually develop into political violence.

3. Policy Conflict

We want the same result, however, we can’t seem to agree on how we will go about achieving that result. Here are two typical examples:

• It is vacation time and everybody is excited! First problem, we can’t agree where to go. After a while we strike a deal as to where to go, but now we are in disagreement as to how we get there. (Oh dear)
• Secondly, the issue of child rearing and how children should be disciplined can cause conflict in the home and in society. There are those on the “naughty corner” side and then on the other side we have “don’t spare the rod and spoil the child”.

4. Ego Conflict

This type of conflict tends to occur as a result of personality differences. In Jamaica, we would say, “Dem nuh tek tea” (Translated: They don’t agree on anything.)

When ego is the issue, nobody wants to back down. The bigger the egos, the more challenge presented. When one’s ego gets hurt there is a tendency to get vicious, foul-mouthed, and mean, which will require some hard work to deal with.

Have you ever had to deal with a person who speaks to others in a “mightier than thou” and degrading tone? And oh yes, they like to play the “you know who I am” card. This is when I start seeing red (depending on who, it could be a kaleidoscope of colours)!

5. Meta Conflict

Imagine having a conflict about how a conflict is being addressed. Parents, do you know this line, “Pickney nuh back chat mi” (Translated: Boy or Young Lady, don’t you dear talk back to me!) The issues here are twofold, instead of addressing the issue at hand, it becomes the issue plus how the communication is taking place. This is another issue added to the conflict. (Talk about adding extra!)

6. Pseudo Conflict

My dears this one is so common. Have you ever been in, or observed, two persons arguing over something, and when you listen closely both are saying the same thing but in a different way? Talk about miscommunication.

“If mi did a fly pan di wall, mi ooda jump rite inna di argument an stap dem.” Rona V., my head! Sorry, my non-Jamaicans … If on the sideline listening, give the “time out” signal and just help the parties realise that they ARE NOT disagreeing, they are actually saying the same side. (Too funny)

Pseudo conflict could also be a result of misinterpretation. A classic example would be, a man who sends a beautiful bouquet to his special someone, to express his love and appreciation. He gets home expecting a warm smile and a hug, instead he is met with attitude and accusations. Guess what, his gesture was interpreted as a confession of having done something wrong – a guilty gift. Oops!

Conflict Resolution Best Practices

We have identified the type of conflict (or combination), now it is time to address it. It is resolution time! Below we will discuss seven (7) steps that can ensure good success in the conflict resolution process.

1. Get to understand the conflict.

Give the conflict some thought. After all, a successful resolution is what we are about. Right?

So let us keep calm and think it through. We are asked to think about “My Interests” and “Their Interests”. What do the parties really want to get out of this?

2. Disagreeing parties must communicate.

Now that we better understand the conflict, it’s time to “talk it over”. To get the best out of this discussion, you should:

A) LISTEN WITH ACTIVE MINDS:

Parties should listen to each other’s opinions. This is how the parties will better understand what is important to each other. It doesn’t mean you agree, but you are actively listening.

This brings us to the practice of active listening in the process. This prevents possible misunderstanding which could lead to escalation of the conflict. Ask clarifying questions and paraphrase what you heard, eg. “Let me see if I understand what you are saying …” “So you are saying …” “Do you mean …”

B) PARTICIPATION:

Give all parties an opportunity to participate in the discussion. They will have a stake in the resolution and will be more like to make compromises and concessions.

Tensions and emotions may be high, however, allow persons to “let off steam” if needed. If there are emotional outbursts, don’t react to them, choose to apologise instead of trading shouts. If the situation needs a mediator, get help.

C) MANAGE THE CONVERSATION:

Be sure to focus on the issue and not the person. If possible, use “I” statements. As we manage the conversation, it is important that each party be given the opportunity to speak about how they felt and not about how the other party caused them to feel. For instance, “I felt belittled and slighted,” as opposed to “How could you have been so mean?!”

Another way to manage the dialogue is to keep judgment out of the initial conversation. Try instead to keep asking questions to get as much information about the other person’s interest as possible.

Keep the conversation focused on the “interests” and not on the “position”.

Interest says, “I want to come to an agreeable solution,” it is also asking, “What does the other party really want?”

Position on the other hand is focusing on, “What I want” with no regard for what the other party wants.

“Position” is never a good posture when dealing with conflict. Why? It is an “all or nothing” stance that does not allow for conversation or discussion. That defensive posture hinders any form of resolution. We are therefore encouraged to consider “interests” instead of “position”. A classic example of this is, two parties indicate that they need the same one orange, and that’s their position. However, with some exploration, it was discovered they had different interests in obtaining the orange. One party’s interest was in the orange rind and the other was in the juice of the orange. Both “positions” placed them in a conflictual situation, however, their interests are clearly different. Therefore, the one orange CAN satisfy both interests.

3. Put different solutions on the table – brainstorm

We have thought about the conflict on our own, we have talked about our interests, and now we need to come up with as many possible solutions as we can find. It is important that we have the right setting to achieve good success at this stage:

• Do you perhaps need a neutral surrounding (in extreme circumstances)?
• People should feel comfortable and safe in the setting.
• If possible, allow persons to sit beside each other facing the board/flip chart or wall that the ideas will be recorded.
• If a facilitator is necessary, chose one that is unbiased and fair, and will keep his/her own feelings and opinions to themselves.
• Willing to meet with each party individually then bring them together.
• Establish the ground rules for the meeting and the purpose of the meeting as agreed upon by the parties.

We now established the right atmosphere, it is time to start the brainstorming session. Be sure to stick to the established purpose of the meeting. Don’t allow other “interests” to be introduced or allow “position” to raise its head.

Go ahead, get as many solution ideas on the board/wall as is possible. No idea should be judged/weighed, let all ideas flow (the more options available the better). We don’t want to prevent creative thinking.

4. Choose the best solution

It is now time to weigh the solutions that are presented and pick the Top 10. There needs to be something in place to help persons to decide. This is where a good facilitator shines. If there is none, then give persons some criteria against which to weigh the options. (A process of elimination can be put in place by the parties prior to the meeting.)

The solution(s) chosen at the end of the process should see both parties getting something they want, getting their “interests” met.

Checkmarks and stars placed beside selected solutions help get us closer and closer to a workable solution(s).

5. A third-party – mediator – may be necessary

We will talk about this in a little more detail in another blog post. Just to say here that the person who is selected should be neutral, respected, fair, and trusted by both parties.

6. Explore alternatives

Interests may be colliding/clashing in the brainstorming session, so let’s negotiate. Think BATNA – Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement.

7. Cope with stress and pressure

Conflict and the resolution process can be stressful. When pressure tactics are added, it is even worse. This step in the process cannot be glossed over, so here again, we will reserve a blog post to properly address this area.

Wrap Up

40-Forwarders, there was more planned for this post, but this is such an important topic – conflict management /conflict resolution – it should not be rushed and it is best dealt with in bite-sized manageable pieces to truly reap the benefits of the best practices. So as we would say in Jamaica, “Pull up” or “Kotch it”!

The Word of God says, “My people perish for lack of knowledge.” We may have been losing ground when it comes to conflict and conflict management because we did not know. You and I are aware of persons whose lives have been ravaged (or are being ravaged) by a conflict that was not handled in the proper way. These blog posts are not the be-all and end-all of conflict management, but they are definitely steps in the right direction. That’s what we are about 40-Forwarders: providing building blocks; pointing persons in the right directions to be able to come up with possible solutions; and offering support where we can.

This is the knowledge we have dropped so far:

• What is conflict
• Goals of conflict resolution
• Why should we resolve conflict
• Examples of organised conflict management
• Types of conflicts
• Conflict resolution best practices

My dears, our conflict management arsenal is really building. Do spend some time learning each weapon that has been presented. There is more to come.

We would love to hear about your examples or resources used in addressing your conflicts. Go ahead and drop them in the Comments section.  And do SHARE this post.