How to Apologise Effectively

Do you find it hard to apologise? Do you know someone who struggles with apologising? Then this blog is for you because there is a way to apologise effectively!

Not apologising is not an option. Our relationships are just too important.
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People make mistakes all the time. Our mistakes are what make us human. Even when we don’t think that we’ve made a mistake, other people will often find errors in our ways. We human beings are walking offenders. 🙂

Truth is, our happiness, peace, and contentment are often best predicted by the breadth and depth of our social connections – our relationships with friends, family, spouses, partners, neighbours, and colleagues – so broken or fraying connections are usually worth the time and effort it takes to repair them.

To Apologise, Or Not To Apologise

40-Forwarders, here is the question on the table: If we have done something that offends someone else, whether or not we feel we are to blame, should we apologize?

My opinion is this, it almost, always serves us well to apologise if we’ve hurt or offended someone else—even if we think the offended person’s anger is unjustified, or if we have a perfectly good excuse for what happened.

Even if our intentions were all good or well-intended often, the impact of our actions is not what we intended. Here is the thing:

Impact matters much more than intention!
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There are some who feel that an apology is an admission of guilt, “Well, I am not at fault here so I will not apologise!” If such a ‘position’ is taken then we run the risk of damaging our social connections (our relationships).

Then there are others who prefer to just “ignore it and it will go away”. Some of you may be familiar with the popular saying, “Yuh can sweep dut unda di rug, but one day yuh aguh buck yuh toe.” (Translated: You can sweep dirt/hurt under the rug, but one way or another you are bound to stub your toes on it.) This is no way to effect a repair to a relationship. Go ahead, apologise, and initiate the repair process.

Before we step away from this topic of repairing, be mindful of this, we don’t (and can’t) repair by blaming someone else, or defending our actions.

Coping By Apologising

In the blog “How to Handle Conflict Resolution” one of the best practices is “coping with stress and pressure”. The experts will tell you that one of the best ways of relieving this stress is to learn (and master) the art of how to apologise effectively. An apology done right could significantly reduce the negative effects of conflict.

Who would have thunk it … for stress relief, apologise!

Apologise Effectively by Using These 3 Parts of An Effective Apology

Oftentimes it is not WHAT is said, but HOW we say it. Let us, therefore, learn to say it right.

So what makes a good apology?

After studying the question “What makes a good apology” extensively, Aaron Lazare, PhD and Christine Carter (2015) developed perhaps the most robust criteria to date for effective apologies. Below is the three-step method for making a good apology.

STEP 1: Tell them what you feel

Usually, we start by saying “I’m sorry” to express remorse. “I’m sorry” is more effective when we elaborate on our remorseful feelings. For example, “I’m so sorry and sad to hear that my lack of communication has made you so angry and resentful.” Or, “I’m so sorry and embarrassed that my comment caused such an uproar.”

What not to do? Do not succumb to, and share feelings of resentment or defensiveness, like, “I’m sorry…you’re being so petty and critical.”

STEP 2: Admit your mistake AND the negative impact it had

This is the hardest part because it requires admitting responsibility for our actions or behaviour. This can feel impossible if we do not really think we did much wrong, or if our intentions were good. Ask yourself, how is the other person feeling? What did I do that caused that feeling? Could I have done something differently?

Then acknowledge these things. Empathise with the offended person; the most important thing is that you demonstrate that you are trying to understand how they feel.

CAUTION: Do not apologize until you actually do understand how they are feeling; if you cannot put yourself in their shoes, your apology will ring false. For example, “I can see that my comment hurt your feelings and that you are feeling misunderstood and uncared for.” Or to your partner you might say, “I know that it was wrong of me to call you out in front of the whole family and that you are angry because I’ve hurt your credibility with the children. I’m sure that was embarrassing, and it was a mistake for me to do that.”

This is where most of us are tempted to offer an explanation for our behaviour. When in doubt, leave the explanation out; trying to explain away our actions can seem like we are being defensive, or making excuses. (Remember, the point is to repair the relationship, not make the other person see that you were right.)

If you need to shed light on why you did what you did:

Be careful to continue to take responsibility for the negative impact you had. Saying, “I really didn’t know that you would be offended” is an excuse, not a good explanation.
Whining that you did not intend for the other person to be hurt does not shed light on anything. More effective would be saying, “It is no excuse for standing you up, but I want you to know that my father had just had a stroke, and I was so frantic to get to the hospital that I forgot to call you.”
If you do offer an explanation, it can help to reiterate your mistake and again acknowledge how the other person feels: “Again, I’m so sorry that I didn’t call you and that you were stuck there waiting for me for an hour. I can only imagine how upset, worried, and angry you must be.”

STEP 3: Make the situation right

Good apologies include reparation of some kind, either real or symbolic. Maybe you create an opportunity for the person you embarrassed to regain credibility or perhaps you admit your mistake to others, too, as a part of the reparation. In many relationships, a hug or handshake is a great reparation.

Often, all we need to do is explain what we are going to do differently the next time so that we do not repeat the offending action or behaviour. This helps us rebuild trust and repair the relationship. If you are not sure how to make it right, just ask, “Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?”

Above all, deliver on any promises you make. When we feel guilty or embarrassed, sometimes we over-correct in our attempt to gain forgiveness. If the person is asking for something that you cannot give, say so, and say that you will give some thought to what you can give to make it up to him or her.

Knowing how to apologise well is a good skill to have, it is a life skill you should want your children to practice and master. My dears, Rona V. is still working on perfecting hers. 😉

Lazare & Carter goes further to outline how to apologise effectively in writing – this takes a little more effort. Here are the six (6) elements of a good apology letter:

Say you are sorry. Not, “I’m sorry, but . . .” Just plain ol’ “I’m sorry.”
Own the mistake. It is important to show the wronged person that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions.
Describe what happened. The wronged person needs to know that you understand what happened and why it was hurtful to them. Make sure you remain focused on your role rather than deflecting the blame.
Have a plan. Let the wronged person know how you intend to fix the situation.
Admit you were wrong. It takes a big person to own up to being wrong. However, you have already reminded yourself that you are a big person. You have this.
Ask for forgiveness. A little vulnerability goes a long way toward proving that you mean what you say.

Apologise Effectively Takeaways

My dears, I am sure you may not have known that there is a specific way to APOLOGISE. If we do it “right”, we will repeat its benefits.

I hope we recognise that our relationships with our families, friends, neighbours, and colleagues are the better for our apology. These relationships are worth it!

A good apology is something of an art. It:

Has 3 basic elements: 1) Tell what you feel; 2) Admit and own the mistake and negative impact of it; and 3) Make amends/make it right.
Opens the door to communication
Repairs and reconnects relationships
Re-establishment of trust
Helps us to cope with stress

40-Forwarders, let us use this nugget – Apologise Effectively – to carry out the B.L.E.S.S. mandate. Be deliberate about sharing and demonstrating this nugget with the Youngins.

Share in the comments your Apology stories.